Something…
Friday, May 29th, 2009I’m feeling edgy and impatient and slightly weepy today. Lately. This whole month, I guess. Without getting too confessional, I think this weird displaced feeling comes from at least once source of angst, probably three.
I don’t really want to talk about it, which leads me to wonder if I’m actually truly “over” things or if I’m just really good at sublimation and denial. I sure hope not, because that’s just not healthy. I’m not sure if it’s just existential angst (which happens all the time to everyone) or what. What I do know is that sometimes I’m tired of it. I’m tired of my official supervisor at work acting concerned whenever I respond with “I’m tired” to “how are you?”. I’m tired of these emotions coming to the surface at unexpected and inconvenient times. I’m tired of feeling so happy on one day that I don’t want to go back to my normal life the next day. I’m tired of feeling like a big whiner when I write stuff like this, because my life IS happy and I’m GLAD I’m here.
I’m tired of keeping secrets.
But I have to keep them. I have to keep the trust of someone who didn’t keep mine, even though I hope this someone kept my trust anyway. I just sometimes want to scream at the unfairness of it all, despite knowing that I am a better person for having experienced unfairness on such a scale.
I’ll feel better tomorrow. Other people have bigger problems.
But I do wish . . .