Heidi Aphrodite

Because three (THREE) of my lovely friends are getting married in the next 6 months, and because I suspect more are on their way, AND because I’ve been a more or less “typical” girl in that I’ve loved looking at wedding magazines since I was 15 and had my own money to buy them (back when they were $4 instead of $8–I’m so old), AND because (lest we forget, Heaven forbid) I started planning a real wedding for my real self three years ago, I’ve had weddings on the brain.  It happens, ok?  Don’t judge me.  There’s nothing wrong with liking pretty things and parties, right?  Right.

After planning my own (ha ha) and reading hundreds of pages about weddings and working in bridal twice and designing wedding dresses for myself since I was TEN, I realized how many of my ideals have changed.  I no longer care about “tradition” so much, especially as I have learned where a lot of wedding traditions originate and it quite frankly appalls me that we’re still expected to DO some of those things.  Part of the impetus for that kind of mental change came from trying to plan a wedding and having a lot of ideas shot down as “tacky”, and part of it comes from finally growing up and not really caring if my ward has a problem with me not wearing an entirely white dress.  (Keep in mind that weddings are personal, and if you want these things at yours, I will be happy for you.  Most of them are not, however, things that either reflect me or that I particularly like for myself.  Carry on!)  Therefore, I now have a list of Executive Decisions, many of which will likely not change unless someone can give me a VERY GOOD REASON for changing them, about the Wedding of the Future that I hope to someday have.  Enjoy.  Or not!  I don’t care!  It’s MY DAY! 

• There will be no garter toss.  If you REALLY want to know my reasons for this, you can ask in the comments or email me, because I don’t want to offend anyone by ranting about it.
• No chocolate fountain.  I’ve been to beautiful weddings with these, but I still don’t want one.  Also, one time I was at an outdoor summer party with a chocolate fountain and a big ol’ junebug flew into it and died a chocolate-covered death.  Nope.  No chocolate fountain for me.
• No expensive, themed favors.  Because, really, who cares?  They’re a nice gesture, but one more expense.
• Speaking of themes, the theme for my wedding (as if it’s a costume party, which is actually kind of a fun theme!) will likely be “wedding”.  As in “my theme is I’m getting married to someone wonderful.”
• I love cake, and have always wanted a big wedding cake, but they’re expensive and sometimes don’t taste so good and I don’t see the point of spending hundreds of dollars on a cake you’re going to cut at the end of the reception (as is “tradition” around here) when most people have left (also a “tradition” because people around here go to a place, drop off their gifts, stand in line, eat some cookies, and run away.  Lame.) and then not eat the whole thing.  So I may do “tacky” dummy cakes so I can have something pretty, or I might just get 20 cheesecakes from Cheesecake Factory or something, or I might have a tiny pretty cake just for me and the groom to eat.  But I want almost nothing to do with a fondant-covered monstrosity that won’t get eaten.  Pretty as they are.
• The whole idea of a truckload of attendants is kind of pointless in an LDS wedding.  Just in case I get readers of other faiths, let me clarify that an LDS temple wedding takes place in a temple and is performed by a man ordained with authority to “seal” the marriage for time and eternity.  Only members in good standing with temple recommends (cards that allow entrance to the temple) are allowed to attend the ceremony.  The bride and groom wear all white symbolic clothing–the bride wears a temple dress (a long, pure white dress with long sleeves worn to perform ordinances in the temple) or a simple white wedding gown and the groom wears white pants, white shirt, and a white tie–and formal wear worn by guests is discouraged as it can take away from the solemnity of the ceremony.  The sealing is witnessed by the fathers and the guests.  No one “stands up” with the bride and groom.  There is no ring-bearer or flower girl (far too young to attend the temple).  There is no processional.  There is no “giving away” (the bride and groom covenant with each other and with God of their own will).  Just the simple and beautiful words combining two lives in the presence of God.  Therefore, I won’t make anyone wear matching dresses, I won’t give a little girl a useless title (as she’ll have literally NO duties to perform) and a long dress that will trip her or get tangled, and I won’t make my mother wear something matronly and horrible.  Matching colors are fine, whatever, but I don’t really care.  I just want my special people to feel pretty/handsome/loved…and wear something they like.  As long as it’s not denim and flip-flops.  ha ha.
• I will also probably have male and female special people and have a wedding posse or a wedding entourage or something.  I like the idea of having a “bridesman” (watch the link–there are swears and VERY non-traditional couples on the site!) or two.
• Speaking of CAKE.  I HATE the “tradition” of smooshing it in your spouse’s face!  What is the point of that?  It’s not funny to me–it’s almost abusive.  “Let’s start our marriage by destroying things and showing the world that we despise each other so much that we’re willing to smash things in each other’s faces.”  Nice.  No.
• There may be dancing (that would be nice for some people), but I absolutely refuse to do the “traditional” first dances–father and daughter, mother and son, trading off in the middle, first couples dance.  Blar.  Not for me.  It just feels too much like property exchange to me, and I don’t appreciate that (if you and your dad love the idea, do it!  I will watch and enjoy and probably cry).  If my dad wants to dance with the new car Bruceton (my imaginary fiance) gives him for his birthday, that’s fine.  But I am not a car.  I think my dad is totally ok with that, too.
• My dress won’t be white.  I plan on getting married in my white temple dress and changing into something different after the sealing.  It will be mostly an eggshell-white silk, but it will be beaded with bronze, pink, gold, green, and off-white sequins and beads and will be accented in dark pink.  Whatever the style, I’d rather it wasn’t like what all the 20-year-old brides have *cough*glorifiedpromdresses*cough*.
• I absolutely won’t have overdone hair.  Nope.  I also won’t get acrylic nails (I keep them short for a reason) or tan (because of the skin cancer that runs in my family) or freak out about not being a size 8 (because why?) before the wedding.
• I WILL NOT exclude the groom from the planning or tell him his ideas are stupid.  Because what if he wants a Rock Band setup?  That would be awesome.
• Ideally, at this point, I don’t really want my family to set things up and then clean things up.  They should be able to enjoy themselves without worrying about getting punch stains out of the carpet.
• My grandmother can wear the red sequined dress some of her Cambodian friends gave her a long time ago, and which she’s never worn.  She deserves to and I don’t care if it doesn’t match.
• I would be THRILLED if my dad and brother wore our clan kilt!
• I probably won’t have a bouquet of real flowers, much as I love them.  They get heavy, they drip, and they’re hard to hold.  I like the idea of bead or ribbon or vintage millinery flowers instead.  Or a cluster of crystals on wires!  That would be pretty!
• I’m going to do my darnedest to avoid a reception line.  I have no idea how that’s going to work (people seem to line up no matter what you do) but I’m going to give it the old college try!
• And, last of all (for now, anyway), I won’t get married before noon.  Especially not on a weekend.  Especially between April and September or between semesters.  It’s just too crowded and I don’t want to feel rushed, nor do I want to get up at 5 AM to get my hair done and be at the temple for an 8 AM sealing.  No, not me.  Shan’t do it, and you can’t make me.  2 PM on a Tuesday sounds perfect to me.

Please keep in mind that I respect other people’s decisions, even an outdoor reception with a kiddie pool full of drinks or a big fluffy dress (because I don’t know a lot of girls who wouldn’t enjoy a big fluffy dress at least once in their lives) or a themed wedding, and if you want to do something and know why you want to do it, you should do it.  But I will probably end up with a very interesting reception if I have my way.  After all, my brother’s reception here at our church building had a pinata and Mexican wedding cookies and chips and salsa.  And my dad got whacked in the shin pretty hard by a small child wielding a large stick while trying to break the pinata.  Nothing says “wedding” more than small children with sticks, and adults with large bruises.